it seems to me like its been far longer than just a day - but i guess that time just takes a hold of you and there's no control over that really. i've got a lot on my mind tonight - and i need to get it all down here. mostly unrelated, bare with me.
so i read somewhere that hearts are developed by the age of five. and by that i mean their emotional response to situations - so not technically the physical heart - but the emotional heart (the soul or something another). this is in itself a pretty amazing thing (proof itself that God has a hand in what we do). here's what scares me about it though -
it means that changing the way we emotionally respond to situations is, though not impossible, very very difficult. bad analogy here but it would be somewhat similar to the physical task of me trying to begin writing with my left hand after having spent 16 years of my life writing with my right hand. it won't be easy.
this is just chilling to me. because obviously my emotional response to situations isn't working somehow. i take offense, or im hurt when i dont receive the kind of feedback i expect in "matters of the heart." possibly, because i put a lot of things as priority, or of more significance than other people do.
anyway - that's just a thought. ya know, how do we train ourselves to respond differently in these types of situations? i dont have the answer. the best i can surmise is that if we leave it to God He can take us there.
on to this bible verse which really just made me stop and read it over:
"Only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will if you keep this up." -Galatians 3:3-4 so here's our wake-up call for the day. look, you aren't supposed to get it on your own - you weren't designed for that purpose. so don't try. the only way we're possibly going to fail is if we continue to try to do this thing called life - this renovation of our lives - by ourselves. God never intended for that. a bit comforting i'd say.
another thought that i picked up: it is love, not love behaviors which must drive us. so we can basically kiss ass and worship the feet of the people we care about all we want - but that's all for show. it's the real love - the feeling, the emotion that is what is necessary. i read a really great example of this the other day in my friend's post appropriately entitled, "Love." this is probably key to why i fail a lot. i'm trying so damn hard to go out of my way to do those gestures, to be that best friend for people. i need to stop and analyze the emotion - the motivation for why i do what i do for the people i "love."
i'm not saying the gestures, the behaviors aren't real. i'm just saying that the root, the foundation has to be in the feeling itself. love isn't something one can fake. my favorite bible verse is 1 John 4:9 God is love. right there, that's where it is. that is the root of all love; Christ. find Christ and ultimately if we work from there we will find true love in each relationship we form. it's a lot harder than what i make it out to sound though - and im struggling with having Christ-like relationships. sometimes it means abandoning those who aren't willing to allow those sorts. that's a sad topic i rather not discuss right now though. we've all been there...
in connection with love the central goal of Christians is to connect with God and other people. okay, so i'm this absolute people person - this person who just craves relationships (of all kinds, not just bf/gf). and i'd say this is probably one of those things that ive half-assed. im connecting with people that's for sure. i'm so stridently connecting with people that they get annoyed - that they give up on me - that they turn their back - that they dont understand my emotions - my investment in them. its a weakness. but what i'm not doing is connecting with God always. ive just fallen lax in this. ive focused so much on those concrete people in my life ive ignored God who seems so abstract at times.
my guess is - that again, if i return my life to God completely im going to find these relationships a lot easier and im going to find myself facing far less rejection in the face of love (all kinds). and once again, easier said than done. we'll work towards it though. (im feeling pretty positive today)
as ive touched on, my relationship with God and my faith havent been the strongest always. ive had an on-again-off-again relationship with God. and thats a funny thing because never in my life would i tolerate such a relationship with anyone else. so why do i constantly and consistently let down the ONE SINGLE being who will and who has NEVER let me down?
i dont want to be that - in any relationship. and especially one so significant as the one i have with the Lord.
i read this line today and its so important i might just type it three times so i make sure you get how important it is. be aware, if you're one of those people who find excuses for everything - this is one of those statements you can't back out of once you've gotten into it.
our actions do not change who we are but express who we are.
our actions do not change who we are but express who we are.
our actions do not change who we are but express who we are.
you get that? that means - we can't explain off the fact that we "typically wouldn't have done that but under the circumstances we had to." no, that doesn't cut it. your actions are expressing something in you - whether you like it or not. and as long as though actions are being acted out - that is a part of you and i.
that's scary. that means im a whole lot more evil. a lot meaner. a lot more judgmental. a lot more of things i dont necessarily want to be. so im thinking maybe my priorities need to be rearranged. that i need to take one of those deep long looks in the mirror straight to my soul.
sort of related to this is that ive come to realize i lead a life of contradictions. ill get drunk - do some stupid things i regret the next day, do some things i cant even remember, say things i shouldnt ever say - and the next day ill get up, go to church, talk about God like He's my best friend, and judge those who do "worse" sins.
this leaves me feeling pretty shitty. (see, right there.) i dont know how to combat this. ive always just excused it away - saying God really doesnt give much thought to those sorts of thing because they're small in comparison to what some others do. that won't cut it though. so im still searching for answers on this one.
something i do know is that a lot of it has to do with what these behaviors are rooted in. for me atleast, they're an escape from what i find to be a difficult and challenging life. rather than seek God - ive turned to these sensual, physical pleasures. so it's this deep rooted hate, anger, bitterness, hollowness, sorrow from what i'll just call the "crap" in my life. how do i heal from this? God only knows i haven't quite discovered that yet.
im a big poetry fan and today im reading one of my faves - Emily Dickinson herself and i come across this poem which i can only explain to be a very good analysis of how i look at others sometimes. the poem is entitled Griefs:
I MEASURE every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.
I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.
I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.
I wonder if when years have piled --
Some thousands -- on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;
Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.
The grieved are many, I am told;
The reason deeper lies, --
Death is but one and comes but once,
And only nails the eyes.
There's grief of want, and grief of cold, --
A sort they call 'despair;'
There's banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.
And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly, yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
In passing Calvary,
To note the fashions of the cross,
Of those that stand alone,
Still fascinated to presume
That some are like my own.
ill just let that stew i guess. one of those things i think is best analyzed on your own time - with your own frame of mind.
the last thing thats on my mind is a bible verse which i just so happened to see on a random person's facebook status. and so i looked it up - in a couple different versions of the bible and its interesting to me in both translations, because they're very different.
first i looked it up in the NIV version and my first thought was - damn, that's exactly how i feel.
"Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief." Proverbs 14:13 so i read this and im like, "yea, i know the way that is. the hiding behind the smile feeling when you're falling to pieces inside" BUT then i look it up in The Message:
"There's a way of life that looks harmless enough; look again -- it leads straight to hell. Sure, those people appear to be having a good time, but all that laughter will end in heartbreak." Proverbs 14: 12-13 and now i'm thinking, "God, what a way you have for me to stumble upon the right thing at the perfect moment because this is what i need to hear right now." I mean, essentially i'm being told that what im doing is going to pay off in the end. thats enough - God's promise.
so i'll end on this note.
unending love. amazing grace.
