The Reason for this Blog

i just need to get this off my chest...
read it or not...i'm not too concerned.

it seems that i can't really figure out who i am anymore. i can define myself in a million and a one ways - so and so's friend, fc student, blah blah blah - but when i look in the mirror i think, "who is this?"

and during the day i can busy myself with all those mindless tasks or those people who make it easy for me to pretend that i know what i'm doing - just people i've defined my life by and depended on too much, too desperately.

but then when i lay down at night - these thoughts of who i am, what am i doing, they drive me to tears sometimes - so i escape with my ipod and bury down deep under my covers. i can't really remember how long it's been since i've slept without my getaway. 

now i dont want to do the pity me. and i dont want to be the negative person. and i dont want to focus on all the bad, because i know i've got it easy compared to others. God has abundantly blessed me.

but God i'm lost.

and i keep trying to come back to "me" - whatever "me" is. and people keep telling me to hold on, take it by the horns, to keep trying - that it'll all fall into place.

well i just care too much. or i dont care enough. its so very confusing to me. 

from some im too much - too attentive, too dependent. but for others - i could care less for anyone but myself, im selfish, and im vindictive.

and yes here i go again defining myself based upon something someone else has said. but it's all ive got to go on. especially when it comes from those closest (or who were close) to you.

ive lost a best friend this year. a few boys in my life who i thought i could trust in. and i've made my way through "forever" friends. and i want to know - what makes me push these people away?

what is wrong with me? what's my problem, because frankly it's consuming me.

and now that it's summer and im away from the daily grind there is no escaping it. none at all. so im trying hard to find me. but i dont think i can do that without knowing what to do - for you - you people that i care about. still, even if you dont think of me.

I'm giving my life up - i'm giving it over to God and i'm going to stumble and im going to fall but i need to be the me who trusts in Him completely. not in people who let me down or even in myself who i constantly fail.

i'm going to be okay because God is bigger than that. but i want the people around me to be okay too. and i dont want them to not be because of any fault of mine. so don't let me fail at that - not any longer.

because it's you im thinking of.