Miracle

i want to see a miracle. when you read the Bible you read of all these amazing miracles brought to you by God and Jesus. walking on water. turning water to wine. healing the sick. curing the blind. so on and so forth.

but where are the miracles of today?

has God just started slacking? i think probably not.

my guess is that this world and us (the people who live in it) are the slackers who have caused miracles to be overlooked.

probably there are miracles every day that we just scrape up to be luck, good fortune, or an opportunity for media coverage.

anyway i'm keeping my eyes open for something resembling a miracle.

something i want to get more heavily involved with is homeless missions. i've done a lot with that since entering college and it's close to my heart.

i just need to go search for some opportunities or possibly just make those opportunities happen.

i want to do bigger and better things than i have in the past. handing out food on saturday mornings just isn't feeding the fire - that passion that i have anymore.

homelessness is one of those things that can be cured. obviously with time and money and lots and lots of patience.

sometimes we pose the question to God, "why do you let bad things happen?" but you know, God has every right to turn that question right back on us because we are the hands and feet - the tools and the body of Christ which are supposed to be living out the Way.

isn't that an interesting way to look at it? it's not God so much who is letting bad things happen - as it is us failing at our jobs. reality check, eh?

i've been thinking lately that i want to do something radical - to really live the life that Christ asks us to live. but i'm not going to lie - that seems like too much work.

and that's the problem with lots of Christians. we pick and choose what is easy for us to accomplish in this life.

nineteenth century Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard said:

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say. If i do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament."

this makes me think of a conversation i had with my dad today. we were driving up around amish country and you know they're all out there in their get-up - bonnets, dresses, overalls, hats, and what-not - plowing away with the most rudimentary farming tools. it was just stunning.

i mean, i don't live in a box so i'm aware of the religious values of groups such as the amish but it is just absolutely jaw-dropping to see them in the 95 degree weather, decked out in black and long pants, sporting grizzly adams beards, and using farm equipment that has been surpassed in efficiency and speed years ago right alongside a farm with the best equipment being run by young men wearing shorts and no shirt listening to their iPods.

that is true dedication to their God, to their faith, to their religion.

what if all Christians were that dedicated to what they were taught?

the world would be quite a different place.

like i said, i'm just dying to find something i can do, something that just really fires me up, somewhere i can help.

we all know of Mother Theresa and her work in Calcutta. it was she who said, "Calcuttas are everywhere if only we have eyes to see. Find your Calcutta."

i want so earnestly to find my Calcutta.

so if anyone reading this (if anyone read this) has any resources for something, anything i can do please comment!

going back to talking about living like Christ - it makes me think of one of my favorite worship songs called My Jesus

by Todd Agnew. this song has some lines which are worth taking a look at:

"Who is it that you follow? This picture of an American dream...I want to be like my Jesus. Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus. You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity. I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus. Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me. Can I be like you Jesus?"

it's the big question. can we even live up to the standards? can we really live the life of Jesus?

people are doing it. so i say yes. it'll just take a lot of strength and patience and love and a mixture of a lot of other things. but you certainly have to be ready for it.

i'll end on one question that is just for you. because this question made my heart stop for a little bit.

even if their was no heaven and hell would you still follow Jesus?

hmmm. God Bless!

Friend

so i made a pretty big decision for myself this week - one that involved letting someone go that i cared very much for.

sometimes in life we keep people around because they have become such a staple in our life when in all reality they're doing us no good. this is what happened to me.

it was time to let this person go - and it was unfortunate and it hurt a lot but for me, for right now it is impossible for us to be the kind of friends we have been.

maybe someday in the future we'll work it out.

i have been so wholeheartedly trying to be the best friend i can be lately and i've really found an awesome verse to help me remember the call of Jesus to do this:

"Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil, hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply, practice playing second fiddle." - Romans 12: 9-10

there is a direct instance of this in my life that i can think of recently.

a friend of mine has been upset lately - over the bickering of another friend and myself because we unfairly put her in the middle. both of us realized the terrible mistake we made and both of us, with little thought of the consequences, volunteered to step out of the picture for a while.

we were both trying to play second fiddle. both trying to care for the others in the situation. those are true friends.

i think it is acts such as these who reveal our true selves. we need to lose the mask - stop hiding behind what society has built us up to be and rather be the people whom God has created us to be - living breathing Christians.

i have seen this a lot lately in myself. i talked about it in my last post. i'm hiding behind a popularity mask or a "cool" mask or something. i don't know why it matters so much - to fit in, but it controls a lot of who i am and the way i act.

i want to rip it off but it's a slow process where i can only peel back so much at a time.

here are a list of things to do that come from living a life of genuine love, which is most certainly what i want to be doing:

~love from the center of who you are; don't fake it.

~run from evil and hold on to good.

~be a good friend who loves deeply.

~practice playing second fiddle.

~don't quit in hard times but pray harder.

~help the needy.

~bless your enemies.

~laugh with others when they are happy.

~share tears when someone is down.

~get along with others.

~don't hit back.

~discover the beauty in everyone.

i read something that made me feel both good and bad. studies have shown that teenagers have never been better off economically (and that my prove to be going downhill with the current state of things) but are worse off than ever emotionally, mentally, and behaviorally.

good - because i know i'm not alone.

bad - because i'm not the only one suffering.

i don't have a huge suggestion or solution to this problem but i do have this verse from Peter which gives us a good reason to live and how to do so:

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you, he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you." -1 Peter 5: 6-7

Disappointment

i have to write today about a disappointment. a disappointment in myself.

i work as mentor for incoming college freshman - it is my job to make sure they are transitioning into college and feel comfortable. i am essentially a role model.

we had a registration session today and beforehand all of us mentors sat down to talk about why we do this - because we certainly don't get paid a lot for it.

when it came to my turn to speak i talked about how i chose to be a mentor because i felt it is really important that students have a positive influence right off the bat with college because so many people fall down the wrong path - whether it may be alcohol or simply bad time management. they need that positive role model.

and then we had our time with students - just us and the students while we were waiting around for the next sessions. and what did i do?

i talked about drinking.

i talked about partying.

i made myself out to be a rebel.

i'm far from that - i rarely drink, i rarely party. and i'm probably the biggest nerd i know.

but for some reason i felt it was important for me to look "cool" to these freshman. these 3 year younger kids i felt like i had to justify myself in front of.

and i'm wondering why? why did i do that?

i don't want people seeing my like that at all. that's not what i want to be known for.

so i've made up my mind to represent myself in the most honest light possible from now on - flaws and all - whether i look cool doing it or not.

topic numero dos for the evening.

as i type this i'm freaking out. i've had a really close friend confide in me that she thinks she has an alcohol problem. also that she's not happy.

not good.

i'm 2 hours away. she's drinking - already drunk. and now she's not replying.

i'm scared. i'm worried. i'm upset.

i hate seeing people like this. and for some reason i've just turned a blind eye to how much alcohol my friends are consuming.

i drink, i do.

but this has got to stop in such heavy increments. i'm started to get concerned for people.

for people like my one friend who use it as an escape from their unhappiness. and people like my other friend who do it because it's cool.

it's not anymore.

it's concerning me.

i'm going to talk to these people when they're sober. and i'm going to help them and i'm also going to vow to cut back.

i'm really worried now.

pray for them. pray for us. pray for our generation.

Brother

one more thing - one more reason why i love this world i live in:

i'm in my room. it's 12:31 a.m. on a Wednesday night. my brother is in the computer room next to me. he's 16. i can hear him singing worship music at the top of his lungs. and my heart cries. i cry. because this has brought me to tears. because this is love. this is God love. it's playing out in my life. right now.

oh thank you Lord!

Emotion

once again it's been quite a while since i've written. sometimes we tend to avoid the things that we don't want to face in life. facing this is sometimes hard because it makes me take a look at myself. i've had some major ups and downs since the last time i posted. it's okay though - i'm making it through. i get by with a little help from my friends (feel free to have that song stuck in your head now).

something i've come to realize very clearly within these past couples weeks is that i am overwhelmingly mastered by my emotions. i let whatever emotion that comes to surface take over my entire mood - it becomes the tone for which the rest of my day, and sometimes even next few days will take.

what i've been working on is being able to control these emotions for what they are: reactions. it is my ability to react in whichever way i choose that will ultimately keep me from the worst of moods that i may experience. i realize that a lot of this is brought on by my interactions and relationships with other people so i'm also trying to learn to shake them. it's gotta be me and my emotions. not them and my emotions.

these "surface" emotions aren't the only problem that i must handle though. more importantly is the underlying condition that causes me to react in such a way to "bad" situations and also the underlying condition to why i am so easily brought down.

this isn't so easy to discover.

and that is why sometimes people have to illicit the help of professionals - because sometimes this underlying cause isn't something you can discover on your own. and even if it is it may not be something which you can replace on your own.

because really the solution is to find the underlying cause, subtract it from your life, and replace it with positive emotions.

that's what i'm working on. and no doubt a lot of my underlying cause goes back to my parent's divorce, my crappy b/fs, and my trouble with keeping steady friendships whilst at college. but how to conquer this and with what to replace it with is my current mountain i am facing.

the best professional to give this all up to though is the Lord. sometimes we fight so hard for what is right in our own lives that we steadily push away what God wants for us - even though we think we're doing right by him. these verses in James really speak about this:

"Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? and why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that 'he's a fiercely jealous lover.' And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that 'God goes against the willful proud; God gives grave to the willing humble.'" - James 4: 1-6

when i read this i can just see James standing there waving his finger at us, looking at us ashamed, and his heart pouring out to us. we are so sinful in nature - we are so far from God and we are cheating him. we are trying to live this world our own way. at least i am. and i am wrong.

i am trying to live more for God. i really am. but sometimes balancing being a 21 yr old college student and being a 21 yr old Christian becomes hard and the lines blur between right and wrong. that is why it is so important to have a Christian support system. honestly, i'm still in search of mine.

that just hit me. i dont have enough friends i TALK to God about. i have Christian friends - but we don't TALK about God. we live God. but we NEED to be talking. so i'm gonna start. today. right now. i'm texting someone right now and i'm saying "let's talk about God."

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." - Romans 8:39

read that and tell me you're not excited - that you don't feel protected - that you don't feel loved. that last bit there about nothing fazing us because Jesus loves us is something i want to carry with me all the days of my life. because whenever i'm facing the bad times, the hard times i want to look up and know that "absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love." NOTHING.

when i first read this i made it my facebook status. that's powerful to me.

i have a sign i keep in my room on my mirror so i see it everyday that read, "God is bigger than that." whatever i'm facing that day i put in the "that" spot and automatically i'm relieved. God is bigger than that - whatever the that may be for the time being. in itself to know this is comforting.

something that makes me want to do right by God even more is the freedom that He has given us in our lives. i just find it simply amazing that he is willing to give us the freedom to choose Him or not. a being who has the power to make us all worship Him and he just lets it be up to us.

i don't think many would have the self-will to do that if the choice were give to them. i don't know if i would.

the problem i believe may do something with how self-focused we are in life. here's a prayer i've been practicing a bit to help me stay more grounded about what i do and who i am. it's the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi:

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled, as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

another consolation i have found of recent is verse 29:11 in Jeremiah which reads "i know what i'm doing. i have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." i feel like that's not really something i can argue with. when i'm worried about my future i should just be still and know that God has it all planned out. there is no one else i rather leave my future in the hands of.

but i really must give over my life to God in a much better and grander way than i am currently. i need to "step-up" so to speak and play my role in this relationship much better.

and the best part of all of this? it's okay by God if i'm not holding up my end of the bargain just as long as i'm striving to do so. once again, not many can share in that sort of compassion and love for a person.

here are some things i've decided to do to up my Christian ante:

- i choose to spend 30 minutes each day listening to worship music and worshipping God. i spend so much time asking God to help me and not enough time praising Him. this will make me stronger in my love for Him.

- i also will spend more time in service. it has always been something i love doing - but i tend to only do it when the opportunity is given to me. i'm going to go out and grab those opportunities more often. i do service so much more while at school and then when i come home i step aside because it's not what i am known for around here. that's going to change.

- lastly i'm waving the white flag of surrender to God. here i am giving myself up completely and entirely for your use Lord. for life my white flag will be raised. but rather than make me weak and susceptible to pain this white flag will make me strong and undefeatable.

in Romans 12: 1-2 Paul asks the people to do something and this is exactly the call that i'm trying to answer to. he says:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

and this is what should be foremost in my life: embracing what God does for me and no longer "fitting in" to today's culture. i rather stick out like a sore thumb if it means sticking up for God and my faith and belief.

it's been a long time since i have found peace. even in the simplest of things. i am ready to be able to pray to the Lord again Psalm 4:8, "At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, For you, God, have put my life back together." i strive for that - to be able to lay down at night and feel that peace of God within me.

my struggles will in the end find me at the top of the mountain crying out "Lord, you have restored my heart. Thank you for your blessings."

the journey will not be easy - but in this i will not surrender.

Random

umm so i haven't written on here in a while. i'm kinda just in a fun mood. things have been up and down. i turned 21. woo hoo! yay! but i'm feeling a little lacking on the good friends side.

i'm trying this new thing where i don't contact people - i let them contact me. and then we'll see who really cares enough to get in touch. i'll try that for a bit.

i don't have any words of wisdom or deep, insightful thoughts. but i do want to play the itunes shuffle game - haha.

enjoy!

if someone says, "is this okay" you say?

"These Days" (Chantal Kreviazuk)

Appropriate. Oh so, appropriate. Leave it to me to give a deep answer to a really easy question.

what would best describe your personality?
"Figure it Out" (Plain White T's)

The title itself sounds like a smart ass answer that I would definitely give. But the song itself has some meaning to it also. The song sort of sounds the way I am - trying to figure out and making mistakes along the way.

what do you like in a guy/girl?
"Light My Candle" (Rosario Dawson & Adam Pascal)

Well this is a really flirty, almost suggestive song at times. I'm not sure if that's what I really look for in a guy but haha it surely is one of my favorite songs.

what is your life's purpose?
"Whoa" (We The Kings)

Ha, to the title. Because who really knows? The lyrics are sort of interesting though.

what is your motto?
"Josey" (Hey Monday)

Wow, this song is about a girl who drinks too much. But there's a line about "it's just a phase you're going through," which I find very interesting.

what do your friends think of you?
"Crush" (Gavin DeGraw)

Either my friends have a crush on me OR they think I always have a crush on someone. I'm not sure which I would prefer.

what do you think about often?
"If God Made You" (Five For Fighting)

The title of this song is enough to make me say, "oh yeah." A lot of the time I'm telling myself that if God made me then there's a purpose. Though the lyrics don't match up - it's still pretty cool.

what is 2+2?
"Sunlight" (Plain White T's)

Yeah, good answer. I hate math.

what do you think of your best friend?
"Hot N Cold" (Katy Perry)

SO SO SO appropriate with ALL of my friends. They're hot and then they're cold, they're yes and then they're no. Not very consistent friends.

what do you think of your main squeeze?
"Pop Princess" (The Click Five)

I don't have a main squeeze and it wouldn't be a girl so this isn't very applicable.

what is your life story?
"Duality" (Bayside)

Oh yeah, this entire song is me. I can't even tell you how much the lyrics make me nod my head.

what do you want to be when you grow up?
"All The Time" (Jeremy Camp)

I want to all the time be with God because He has all the time loved me. I want to be that right now and in my future though.

what do you think when you see the person you like?
"I Get Screwed" (Plain White T's)

HAHAHAHA. Truth.

what do your parents think of you?
"Look Where We Are Now" (Teddy Geiger)

This seems sort of appropriate considering I'm growing up and not their little girl anymore.

what will you dance to at your wedding?
"Tell Me Why" (Taylor Swift)

Oh, gosh, no. This is a very bad song for a wedding. Very bad.

what will they play at your funeral?
"Put Yo Hood Up" (Set Your Goals)

HaHa, definitely not. That would be so so so inappropriate at a funeral.

what is your hobby/interest?
"Stay Awake (Dreams Only Last For A Night)" (All Time Low)

I used to have this huge obsession with analyzing dreams. So pretty cool.

what do you think of your friends?
"Open Arms" (Journey)

This is how I feel about my friends. I want them to come to me, opened arm where I promise I will never let them down or turn my back on them.

what's the worst thing that could happen?
"I Learned From You" (Miley Cyrus & Billy Ray Cyrus)

This is probably the worst song for the worst thing to happen. I want to learn from people. It's probably one of my favorite things to do.

how will you die?
"Rite of Spring" (Angles & Airwaves)

A good song about how life sucks but about how it makes you who you are. So I guess I'll just die from having a hard life?

what is the one thing you regret?
"Where Did I Lose Your Love?" (Journey)

Amen. The End.

what makes you laugh?
"Don't" (Shania Twain)

No way. This song is so serious and not really something to laugh at. Unless you think about how ironic it is because I suck at relationships.

what makes you cry?
"This Is How We Do" (All Time Low)

Again not really appropriate. Totally a party song.

will you ever get married?
"You And Me Together" (Hannah Montana)

Plain and simple I'm pretty sure this says I'll be getting married. And it'll be cheesy just like this song.

what scares you the most?
"Keep On Shinin'" (Third Day)

Maybe the fact that I won't be able to keep on shining in God's world. That could work.

does anyone like you?
"Only One" (Lifehouse)

HAHA. Only one? Really now? Idk about this at all. But it's funny that a song with a number in the title would come up.

if you could go back in time, what would you change?
"Easy Silence" (Dixie Chicks)

This song talks about a lot of stuff that goes wrong in life - i could change some of that. but I dont think I would want to.

what hurts right now?

"Just Friends" (Gavin DeGraw)

What a way to end it. just friends is probably the answer to things. struggling with that right now. i just want real friends who show me they care about me.

well that was quite fun and interesting. i'd also like to comment how hilarious the diversity of my music is. hope you enjoyed!