Emotion

once again it's been quite a while since i've written. sometimes we tend to avoid the things that we don't want to face in life. facing this is sometimes hard because it makes me take a look at myself. i've had some major ups and downs since the last time i posted. it's okay though - i'm making it through. i get by with a little help from my friends (feel free to have that song stuck in your head now).

something i've come to realize very clearly within these past couples weeks is that i am overwhelmingly mastered by my emotions. i let whatever emotion that comes to surface take over my entire mood - it becomes the tone for which the rest of my day, and sometimes even next few days will take.

what i've been working on is being able to control these emotions for what they are: reactions. it is my ability to react in whichever way i choose that will ultimately keep me from the worst of moods that i may experience. i realize that a lot of this is brought on by my interactions and relationships with other people so i'm also trying to learn to shake them. it's gotta be me and my emotions. not them and my emotions.

these "surface" emotions aren't the only problem that i must handle though. more importantly is the underlying condition that causes me to react in such a way to "bad" situations and also the underlying condition to why i am so easily brought down.

this isn't so easy to discover.

and that is why sometimes people have to illicit the help of professionals - because sometimes this underlying cause isn't something you can discover on your own. and even if it is it may not be something which you can replace on your own.

because really the solution is to find the underlying cause, subtract it from your life, and replace it with positive emotions.

that's what i'm working on. and no doubt a lot of my underlying cause goes back to my parent's divorce, my crappy b/fs, and my trouble with keeping steady friendships whilst at college. but how to conquer this and with what to replace it with is my current mountain i am facing.

the best professional to give this all up to though is the Lord. sometimes we fight so hard for what is right in our own lives that we steadily push away what God wants for us - even though we think we're doing right by him. these verses in James really speak about this:

"Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.

You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? and why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that 'he's a fiercely jealous lover.' And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that 'God goes against the willful proud; God gives grave to the willing humble.'" - James 4: 1-6

when i read this i can just see James standing there waving his finger at us, looking at us ashamed, and his heart pouring out to us. we are so sinful in nature - we are so far from God and we are cheating him. we are trying to live this world our own way. at least i am. and i am wrong.

i am trying to live more for God. i really am. but sometimes balancing being a 21 yr old college student and being a 21 yr old Christian becomes hard and the lines blur between right and wrong. that is why it is so important to have a Christian support system. honestly, i'm still in search of mine.

that just hit me. i dont have enough friends i TALK to God about. i have Christian friends - but we don't TALK about God. we live God. but we NEED to be talking. so i'm gonna start. today. right now. i'm texting someone right now and i'm saying "let's talk about God."

"So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us." - Romans 8:39

read that and tell me you're not excited - that you don't feel protected - that you don't feel loved. that last bit there about nothing fazing us because Jesus loves us is something i want to carry with me all the days of my life. because whenever i'm facing the bad times, the hard times i want to look up and know that "absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love." NOTHING.

when i first read this i made it my facebook status. that's powerful to me.

i have a sign i keep in my room on my mirror so i see it everyday that read, "God is bigger than that." whatever i'm facing that day i put in the "that" spot and automatically i'm relieved. God is bigger than that - whatever the that may be for the time being. in itself to know this is comforting.

something that makes me want to do right by God even more is the freedom that He has given us in our lives. i just find it simply amazing that he is willing to give us the freedom to choose Him or not. a being who has the power to make us all worship Him and he just lets it be up to us.

i don't think many would have the self-will to do that if the choice were give to them. i don't know if i would.

the problem i believe may do something with how self-focused we are in life. here's a prayer i've been practicing a bit to help me stay more grounded about what i do and who i am. it's the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi:

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled, as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

another consolation i have found of recent is verse 29:11 in Jeremiah which reads "i know what i'm doing. i have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." i feel like that's not really something i can argue with. when i'm worried about my future i should just be still and know that God has it all planned out. there is no one else i rather leave my future in the hands of.

but i really must give over my life to God in a much better and grander way than i am currently. i need to "step-up" so to speak and play my role in this relationship much better.

and the best part of all of this? it's okay by God if i'm not holding up my end of the bargain just as long as i'm striving to do so. once again, not many can share in that sort of compassion and love for a person.

here are some things i've decided to do to up my Christian ante:

- i choose to spend 30 minutes each day listening to worship music and worshipping God. i spend so much time asking God to help me and not enough time praising Him. this will make me stronger in my love for Him.

- i also will spend more time in service. it has always been something i love doing - but i tend to only do it when the opportunity is given to me. i'm going to go out and grab those opportunities more often. i do service so much more while at school and then when i come home i step aside because it's not what i am known for around here. that's going to change.

- lastly i'm waving the white flag of surrender to God. here i am giving myself up completely and entirely for your use Lord. for life my white flag will be raised. but rather than make me weak and susceptible to pain this white flag will make me strong and undefeatable.

in Romans 12: 1-2 Paul asks the people to do something and this is exactly the call that i'm trying to answer to. he says:

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

and this is what should be foremost in my life: embracing what God does for me and no longer "fitting in" to today's culture. i rather stick out like a sore thumb if it means sticking up for God and my faith and belief.

it's been a long time since i have found peace. even in the simplest of things. i am ready to be able to pray to the Lord again Psalm 4:8, "At day's end I'm ready for sound sleep, For you, God, have put my life back together." i strive for that - to be able to lay down at night and feel that peace of God within me.

my struggles will in the end find me at the top of the mountain crying out "Lord, you have restored my heart. Thank you for your blessings."

the journey will not be easy - but in this i will not surrender.