Disappointment

i have to write today about a disappointment. a disappointment in myself.

i work as mentor for incoming college freshman - it is my job to make sure they are transitioning into college and feel comfortable. i am essentially a role model.

we had a registration session today and beforehand all of us mentors sat down to talk about why we do this - because we certainly don't get paid a lot for it.

when it came to my turn to speak i talked about how i chose to be a mentor because i felt it is really important that students have a positive influence right off the bat with college because so many people fall down the wrong path - whether it may be alcohol or simply bad time management. they need that positive role model.

and then we had our time with students - just us and the students while we were waiting around for the next sessions. and what did i do?

i talked about drinking.

i talked about partying.

i made myself out to be a rebel.

i'm far from that - i rarely drink, i rarely party. and i'm probably the biggest nerd i know.

but for some reason i felt it was important for me to look "cool" to these freshman. these 3 year younger kids i felt like i had to justify myself in front of.

and i'm wondering why? why did i do that?

i don't want people seeing my like that at all. that's not what i want to be known for.

so i've made up my mind to represent myself in the most honest light possible from now on - flaws and all - whether i look cool doing it or not.

topic numero dos for the evening.

as i type this i'm freaking out. i've had a really close friend confide in me that she thinks she has an alcohol problem. also that she's not happy.

not good.

i'm 2 hours away. she's drinking - already drunk. and now she's not replying.

i'm scared. i'm worried. i'm upset.

i hate seeing people like this. and for some reason i've just turned a blind eye to how much alcohol my friends are consuming.

i drink, i do.

but this has got to stop in such heavy increments. i'm started to get concerned for people.

for people like my one friend who use it as an escape from their unhappiness. and people like my other friend who do it because it's cool.

it's not anymore.

it's concerning me.

i'm going to talk to these people when they're sober. and i'm going to help them and i'm also going to vow to cut back.

i'm really worried now.

pray for them. pray for us. pray for our generation.